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vici
Mar 28, 2009 18:53:46 GMT 1
Post by pouletoncoq on Mar 28, 2009 18:53:46 GMT 1
Marija, Jezus in Jožef so se pogovarjali, kam naj gredo na poèitnice. "Gremo v Nazaret!" je predlagal Jožef. Toda Marija in Jezus se nista strinjala s pojasnilom: "Tam nam je bilo težko..." "No, gremo pa v Jeruzalem!" je predlagal Jezus. "Pa tam so te vendar križali!" sta se oglasila Marija in Jožef. Pa je predlagala Marija: "Pojdimo v Medjugorje!" "Zakaj pa tja?" je vprašal Jezus. "Še nikoli nisem bila tam!" je odgovorila Marija. Ta je res terna ;D ![:D](http://mail.yimg.com/a/i/mesg/tsmileys2/04.gif)
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vici
Mar 28, 2009 18:56:56 GMT 1
Post by pouletoncoq on Mar 28, 2009 18:56:56 GMT 1
A to plain chicken ali chicken salad ali konvert to non-green ''po novem''?! ;D
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vici
Mar 28, 2009 19:00:01 GMT 1
Post by set on Mar 28, 2009 19:00:01 GMT 1
Pride moški v bolnico po izvide svoje žene.
- Da, seveda izvolite,- mu reèe sestra.
- Rabim izvide od Marije Novak.
- Joj, gospod, tu so pa problemi. Bile sta dve z enakim imenom, se je zamešalo, in zdaj ne vemo kam kaj spada.
- Kakšni so rezultati?
- Ena ima AIDS, druga Alzheimera.
- In kaj naj zdaj jaz naredim?
- Peljite ženo v mesto in jo tam pustite, èe se sama vrne domov, se je veè ne dotikajte!
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vici
Apr 8, 2009 16:02:09 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Apr 8, 2009 16:02:09 GMT 1
TEŽAVE DELOHOLIKA
Zadnja leta imam resne tezave s spancem in povisanim krvnim pritiskom, sele sedaj pa sem ugotovil pravi razlog za te tezave. Prevec sem utrujen in to zato, ker prevec delam. Z eno besedo: DELOHOLIK
Razlogi za to: 1. V tej drzavi je priblizno 2 miljona ljudi 2. Od tega je priblizno 500.000 upokojencev, preostane 1,5 miljona ljudi. 3. Okoli 700.000 tisoc ljudi je v solah in drugih procesih izobrazevanja, preostane 800.000 ljudi za delo. 4. Podatki kazejo, da jih je priblizno 30.000 zaposlenih v drzavni upravi, torej dela samo se 770.000 ljudi 5. Drugi podatki tudi povedo, da je v policiji in drugih represivnih organih se priblizno 40.000 ljudi, iz tega je razvidno, da preostane za delo se 730.000 ljudi 6. V obcinah in drugih organih posameznih upravnih enot je zaposlenih se dodatnih 25.000 ljudi, izracun pokaze, da preostane za delo se 710.000 ljudi 7. Statisticni podatki tudi povedo, da je povprescno v Sloveniji 80.000 ljudi v bolniskem stalezu, sem so vkljuceni tudi hospitalizirani, preostane torej se 690.000 ljudi za delo. 8. Okoli 90.000 ljudi je zaposlenih v službah "drzavnega znacaja", to so sluzbe z dokaj veliko stopnjo varnosti, preostane torej le se 600.000, ljudi ki delajo. 9. Sindikati in vsi ostali, ki se borijo za pravice delavcev štejejo skoraj 70.000 ljudi, enostaven izracun pove, da za delo preostane samo se 530.000 ljudi. 10. Ministrstvo za pravosodje je sporocilo, da je v zaporih po celi drzavi 529.998 ljudi obsojenih zaradi razlicnih deliktov 11. Po vseh dokazanih izracunih je razvidno, da preostaneta za delo samo se dva prebivalca Slovenije. 12. Ti in Jaz 13. In ti lenčino bedna, udobno sediš za računalnikom in bereš neke poceni računalniške vice.
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xai
firbec
Posts: 6
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vici
Apr 10, 2009 8:17:59 GMT 1
Post by xai on Apr 10, 2009 8:17:59 GMT 1
RDEČA KAPICA IN CANIS LUPUS (FDV verzija)
Rdeči Kapici je mati akcidenčnega irelevantnega dne akreditirala transport viktuarij za babico, anemično in fiksirano na svoj domicil zaradi ekscesivnega eksistiranja. Brez asistence je Rdeča kapica odskakljala v obskuren gozd, ko se je pred njo momentalno realiziral impetuozen volk, ki je do tedaj latenten čakal inkognito za enormno smreko. Rdeča Kapica, ki ni bila informirana, da je volk tako maligen, se ni prav nič deranžirala.
"Kam pa kam, inocentna kreatura?" jo je doložno intervjuval Canis lupus. "K babici, ki rezidira na iminentni lokaciji, transportiram kolacijo," je respektno replicirala Rdeča Kapica. "Vizualno percepiraj, koliko fabulozne flore eksistira na tem teritoriju," ji je aludiral volk, ki je intencionalno inhibriral svojo sitomanijo, "ne boš se eksorbirantno retardirala, če minorno kvantiteto te flore kolektiraš za babico!"
Rdeča kapica, ki je ob volkovem intrigantskem incitiranju neintencionalno dememorirala materin konzilij o ekstremni providenci v gozdu, se je agilno lotila akumuliranja flore. Hipikritski volk se je simultano rapidno transportiral do babičine rezidence, se infiltriral v interier in konzumiral frapirano babico. Kostumiral se je v njen negliže in se lociral v posteljo, z intenco ekspektacije Rdeče kapice. Le-ta je prišla z minorno retardacijo. Relativno durativno je skrutinirala kamufliranega volka ter se in brevi interesirala:
"Babica, zakaj imaš tako enormne okularje?" "Da te optimalno vizualno percipiram!" je emfatično odrecitiral Canis lupus. "Zakaj imaš tako bizarno predimnzionirane eksterne avdiokolektorje?" je dalje eksaminirala Rdeča Kapica. "Zaradi boljše avdiopercepcije!" je še preciozno artikuliral Canis lupus. "In zakaj imaš takšno enormno palatoshizo?" "Zato, da te neproblematično konzumiram!" je z monstruoznim glasom odrecitiral volk in huronsko atakiral Rdečo kapico. Po realizaciji tega amoralnega akta se je retardiral v posteljo in med kakofoničnim smrčanjem zaspal. Lovcu, ki je bil pasiral babičino rezidenco, so se groteskni glasovi iz interierja rezdence zdeli intenzivno suspektni. Rezolutno je invaziral v babičino imobilijo in momentalno konstatiral, da je volk konzumiral babico in Rdečo Kapico. Iz volkovega voluminoznega abdomena so de facto prihajale morbidne, ekscitirane pretenzije po akutni salvaciji. Z brahialnim udarcem je dezaktiviral volka in na njem izvedel vivisekcijo. Iz abdomena sta se prezentirali babica in Rdeča Kapica, obe intaktni. Inkluzivno z lovcem sta interpolirali kamenje v evakuiran volkov gaster in mu ga post hoc restituirali. Volka je zaradi gastrolitov kavzalno popadla hidromanija. Absolutno adinamičen se je aproksimiral do fontane, zaradi balasta v abdomenu izgubil balanso in imerziral. Babica, lovec in Rdeča kapica so se eksultirajoč objeli in si aklamirali ob solviranju pred malovolentnim volkom.
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vici
Apr 12, 2009 18:53:19 GMT 1
Post by set on Apr 12, 2009 18:53:19 GMT 1
obstajamo blondinke, ki nikoli nismo bile na FDV-ju in bi rable prevod tega zmazka v slovenšèino, èe je to realno sploh mogoèe.
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eva1
vajenc
![*](http://i565.photobucket.com/albums/ss99/sm-pixie/pomladni%20skin/orbz-nature-icon.png)
Posts: 109
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vici
Jul 22, 2009 17:43:26 GMT 1
Post by eva1 on Jul 22, 2009 17:43:26 GMT 1
Kakšna je razlika med slonom in mišjo? Na slona se lahko nasloniš, na miš pa se ne moreš namišiti.
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vici
Aug 11, 2009 10:08:38 GMT 1
Post by cr on Aug 11, 2009 10:08:38 GMT 1
POLITIK JANEZ JANŠA Politik Janez J. se zjutraj zbudi, stopi na balkon in v snegu zagleda s scanjem napisano: "Janez J. je prasec." To ga seveda močno razjezi. Pokliče šefa varnostne službe in mu naroči, naj takoj poišče storilca. Policaji podpis fotografirajo in vzamejo vzorce urina.
Čez teden dni šef policije poroča rezultate rekoč:"Imamo popolne rezultate. V zvezi z njimi vam moram sporočiti eno dobro in eno slabo novico.
"Janez J.: "Povej najprej dobro novico!"
Policaj: "Urin je 100% od Boruta P."
"Saj sem vedel!" odvrne Janez J. "In kakšna je slaba novica?"
"Pisava je od vaše Urške."
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vici
Sept 15, 2009 10:46:39 GMT 1
Post by set on Sept 15, 2009 10:46:39 GMT 1
Fantek je vstopil v avtobus, se usedel zraven moškega, ki je bral knjigo in opazil, da ima ovratnik obrnjen narobe.
Fantek ga je vprašal, zakaj ima ovratnik obrnjen narobe. Moški, ki je bil duhovnik, je dejal: "Jaz sem oèe."
Fantek mu je odgovori: "Moj oèka ne nosi ovratnik na tak naèin."
Duhovnik je umaknil pogled s knjige in odgovoril: "Jaz sem Oèe mnogih."
Fantek je dejal: "Moj oèe ima 4 fante, 4 dekleta in dva vnuka, pa vseeno ne nosi svojega ovratnika tako! "
Duhovnik, ki je postajal nestrpen, je dejal: "Jaz sem oèe stotih" in se spet poglobil v branje svoje knjige.
Fantek je tiho obsedel in razmišljal kar nekaj èasa, potem pa se je nagnil naprej in dejal: "Morda bi morali uporabiti kondom in si hlaèe obrniti nazaj, namesto da ste obrnili vaš ovratnik."
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vici
Sept 15, 2009 10:49:25 GMT 1
Post by set on Sept 15, 2009 10:49:25 GMT 1
Došao muž kuæi i pita ženu: Gde su deca? Žena kaže: Na engleskom. Muž odgovara: OK, where are the children?
Kad životinje prièaju kao ljudi, to je basna, a kad ljudi prièaju kao životinje, to je Bosna.
Pitali Cigu: Šta bi uradio da ti polome ruku na tri mesta? Pa ne bi više išao na ta mesta!
Posle mesec dana zabavljanja, kaže devojka svom deèku: Pa, dragi, mislim da je vreme da me predstaviš svojoj porodici. Na to on reèe: Neæe moæi. Žena mi je na poslu, a deca su u školi.
Kaže Ciga: Deco, posle dva meseca, danas menjate gaæe. Deca se oduševe: Tooo!!! A Ciga æe: Ti s njim, ti s njim, a ti s njim.
Kako se zovu deèje novine za cigansku decu? "Cicigan".
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vici
Sept 21, 2009 13:19:47 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Sept 21, 2009 13:19:47 GMT 1
How About a Drink?
A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan.
“It was my fault,” each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.
Concerned, the Jesuit said, “You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down.”
He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, “Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you’re probably shaken up too. Why don’t you have a drink as well?”
“I will,” the Jesuit replied, “but I think I’ll wait until after the police have come.”
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vici
Sept 21, 2009 13:21:36 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Sept 21, 2009 13:21:36 GMT 1
Breads for Crummy Sins
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water.
Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins.....................White Bread For complex sins......................Multigrain For twisted sins......................Pretzels For sins of indecision................Waffles For sins of chutzpah..................Fresh Bread For committing auto theft.............Caraway For timidity/cowardice................Milk Toast For ill-temperedness..................Sourdough For silliness, eccentricity...........Nut Bread For war-mongering.....................Kaiser Rolls For jingoism, chauvinism..............Yankee Doodles For excessive irony...................Rye Bread For erotic sins.......................French Bread For particularly dark sins............Pumpernickel For dressing immodestly...............Tarts For causing injury to others..........Tortes For being holier than thou............Bagels For abrasiveness......................Grits For dropping in without notice........Popovers For overeating........................Stuffing For pride and egotism.................Puff Pastry For trashing the environment..........Dumplings For telling bad jokes/puns............Corn Bread
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vici
Sept 26, 2009 16:53:23 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Sept 26, 2009 16:53:23 GMT 1
Dating a Nun Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun? He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures. ![](http://www.cosmosmagazine.com/files/imagecache/feature/files/20080501_happy-nun.jpg)
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vici
Oct 8, 2009 11:57:18 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Oct 8, 2009 11:57:18 GMT 1
George's Relationship with God
George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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vici
Oct 17, 2009 17:41:57 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Oct 17, 2009 17:41:57 GMT 1
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
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vici
Oct 17, 2009 17:47:33 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Oct 17, 2009 17:47:33 GMT 1
Nun of Your Business
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
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vici
Nov 2, 2009 21:56:19 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Nov 2, 2009 21:56:19 GMT 1
Sta šla zakonca v sveto deželo Jeruzalem, kjer je žena nenadoma umrla. Mimo je prišel katoliški duhovnik, ki je možu ponudil dve možnosti: 1. Ženo lahko pokopljete tukaj, v sveti zemlji za 200 EUR. 2. Lahko jo odpeljete domov, kar bi s prevozom in vsemi papirji stalo 3.000 EUR. Možakar takoj: - Kar spakirajte mi babo za domov, jaz vam bom pa plačal. Duhovnik: - Čudi me gospod, da ste se odločili za to varianto. Ali ne bi bilo lepše in ceneje, če bi bila pokopana v sveti zemlji ![???](http://mail.yimg.com/a/i/mesg/tsmileys2/06.gif) Možakar boječe: - Enkrat davno, vi to veste, je en človek umrl in je bil pokopan prav tu. Po treh dneh je vstal od mrtvih.
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vici
Dec 13, 2009 16:45:31 GMT 1
Post by pixie on Dec 13, 2009 16:45:31 GMT 1
Home for the Holidays
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
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